HOLDING ONE'S NOSE IN WISBECH

“Ahhhh – I love the smell of electoral outrage in the morning..” Yes, like the immortal Lt Colonel Kilgore’s beloved Napalm, there’s a smell wafting in the Wisbech breeze.

The particular nasty niff in the air is the result of pre-election friction between the usual suspects – and one or two new ones. The election is on 2^nd May and is a double one. The first is entirely of no consequence as it  involves only the seats on Wisbech Town Council which, as far as I am aware, has a Mission Statement which largely consists of:

(1) Playing silly buggers with the seating arrangements at Council meetings to ensure that anyone remotely critical of The Gang of Four who run things, has to sit in the naughty chair.
(2) Making sure that nothing of any consequence is ever decided at said meetings, especially if it might interfere with the real power-broking which goes on in a local pub.
(3) Promoting its own highly popular and successful version of BT’s Friends & Family discount scheme which, in this case, gives daughters, cousins, mothers, and drinking mates of the Illuminati first dibs at becoming election candidates and, consequently, being shoo-ins to the seats of power.
(4) Planning a four-year cycle of litter picking and appearing to be concerned about the daily lives of constituents. Meticulously planned, this scheme is energised approximately four weeks before the polling date, and automatically ends twenty five minutes after the results are declared.

More seriously, the Wisbech seats on Fenland District Council – yes, them, those administrative geniuses who brought you the FACT scam, closed One-Stop-Shops, charged through the roof for you to be buried or cremated and always know what’s best in local planning decisions, especially when the developer is …. “STOP! – that’s enough – I only have a budget of £43.99 for legal fees this year..” (Editor)

Depressingly, some of these council seats are not even being contested, so the Conservative candidate gets a free ride. At least he or she will not be able to stand up and thank “the hardworking members of the community who voted for me to carry on working in their interests …”

I have to say, all sarcasm aside, the Wisbech Conservatives have an excellent election machine. Apart from the unfortunate blip when UKIP triumphed in the last-but-one County Council poll, they invariably win. Their leaflets are pleasantly designed, lucid, informative – and invariably a load of old tosh. Their diligence in locating dissidents and maligning them in follow-up literature is cruelly impressive.

So why is there no opposition? Sadly, the immovable thorn in the flesh of local Tories, Virginia Bucknor, has left the field due to illness. She and husband Mike have been pretty much lone voices in opposition to the Wisbech Tory machine. I disagree with Virginia on almost every aspect of broader political philosophy. She is resolutely of The Left, while I am otherwise inclined. Some might say that her decision to stand as Independent for all these years was cynical, in that had she and Mike badged themselves as Labour, they would have vanished without trace. Whatever one’s view, all but two or three Wisbech people would be united in thanking Ginny and Mike for all their hard work and desire to put their constituents first.

With the Bucknors gone, is there anyone else still on their feet? Curiously, there is. One or two former Conservatives have either had a tearful reunion with their consciences or become frustrated with the iron grip on the local party machine and decided to kick out. David Patrick is still there, determined as ever to do the best for people, but still unsure of which political hat to wear. A genuine Independent is Peter Freeman, a former copper, a bit of a ‘Fen lad’ but sharply intelligent and who – should he die in mysterious circumstances and require a post mortem – will prove to have WISBECH engraved on his heart.

Labour’s almost total lack of interest in Wisbech politics is unforgivable. Fenland has a huge deprivation problem, countless instances of exploitative practices in employment, housing and welfare, and an undercurrent of criminality which threatens to overwhelm the most vulnerable. Labour’s natural heartland, surely? Apparently not. Perhaps Wisbech people are just too white and too working class for the current Labour regime to bother with.

So, we have another week or so of social media sparring, claims, counter-claims, allegations, rebuttals, scorn, malice and a huge amount of personal unpleasantness. For what? A massive change in local conditions, better schools, less pollution, reduced crime, improved transport links, an end to exploitation, booming business opportunities?

Sadly, none of the above. It pains me to say it, and vote if you must, but when you trudge to the polling station on 2^nd May, and walk out with your head held high, warm in the knowledge that you have exercised your right and influenced democracy – go and lie down in a dark room and listen to ambient sounds of whales making love.